The Major Motion Picture Preservation Society

Air Bud anyone?

Fri, 12 Aug 2011 09:13:22 -0400

Air Bud anyone?

Josh is amazed when he realizes that Buddy loves basketball too.

Fri, 12 Aug 2011 09:10:00 -0400

A young boy and a talented stray dog with an amazing basketball ability become instant friends, because they have no one else. Rebounding from his father’s accidental death, 12-year-old Josh Framm moves with his family to the small town of Fernfield, Washington. The new kid in town, Josh has no friends and is too shy to try out for the school basketball team. Instead he prefers to practice alone on an abandoned court. So lonely. Anyways, he befriends a runaway golden retriever named Buddy. Josh is amazed when he realizes that Buddy loves basketball too (maybe cause he is a dog). Not only does Buddy play the game of b-ball. He is actually damn good! He is also a total sweetie. Josh eventually makes the school team and Buddy is named the Team Mascot. Josh and Buddy start performing doggy basketball tricks during halftime of the school games. Buddy’s half-time talent draws media attention. Unfortunately, Buddy’s mean former owner named Norm Snively comes along with a scheme to cash in on the pup’s celebrity. Oh no…it looks like they are going to be separated. But they love each other. How the hell will they stop Norm Snively? The answer is with a ton of heart, and some zone defense.

Air Bud (Special Edition)

Theresa never told her parents that she's dating a white guy.

Wed, 03 Aug 2011 15:35:03 -0400

Percy and Marilyn Jones are renewing their vows for their anniversary. That is right, Percy is being romantic for a change. Their adult daughter Theresa brings her boyfriend named Simon for them to meet. Unbeknownst to her parents, Theresa and Simon plan to announce their engagement during this exciting celebratory weekend. Sounds like a lovely weekend. Right? Wondering what the catch is? The Jones family is Black and Simon is White (and is Ashton Kutcher). Theresa never told her parents that she’s dating a white guy. Percy is pissed! So he does what any major motion picture father would do and instigates an investigation of Simon. Percy discovers that Simon recently lost his job and hasn’t told sweet Theresa. Mistrust rears its ugly head, and in the process of Theresa and Simon’s argument, Marilyn and Percy also start arguing like crazy. Can’t these dudes just get along? Will they make peace with their lovers? How did the dad and boyfriend wind up in the same bed? Do not watch to find out!

Guess Who

Circumnavigate the world in a mere 80 days.

Mon, 01 Aug 2011 23:56:00 -0400

Set in 1872, the story focuses on Passepartout, a Chinese thief who steals a valuable jade Buddha (everyone knows only the finest Buddha are made from Jade). He then seeks refuge in the traveling companionship of an eccentric London inventor and adventurer, Phileas Fogg. Fogg has accepted a bet with members of his gentlemen’s club that he can circumnavigate the world in a mere 80 days, using all sorts of transportation: balloons, boats, trains, more balloons, elephants, witty dialogue, stunts, etc. Along the way, Passepartout uses his mad karate abilities to defend Fogg from the many dangers they face like balloons, boats, trains, some more balloons, elephants, witty dialogue, stunts, and so on. One major threat to their adventure is a detective that’s on their tail. Just as Fogg and Passeportout left London, a major bank was robbed, and this annoying detective suspects that Fogg is using his “around the world” trip as an excuse to escape. Speaking of escapes, this stupid remake is a great escape from reality and feelings of fulfillment. Jackie Chan stars. The Governator pops up for a few as well. Yup!

Around the World in 80 Days (Widescreen Edition)

Major Don West destroys the enemy, while crushing on Judy.

Thu, 28 Jul 2011 14:18:00 -0400

In the year 2058, Earth will soon be uninhabitable after the irreversible effects of pollution. The United Global Space Force (formally known as FEMA) serves as the planetary government. Professor John Robinson, lead scientist of the Jupiter Mission, will lead his family, wife Dr. Maureen Robinson, daughters Dr. Judy Robinson and Penny and son Will to the habitable planet Alpha Prime to prepare it for colonization by building a hypergate in orbit. What a smart family! The Jupiter 2 is equipped with a hyperdrive that allows faster-than-light travel, which will eventually be employed to evacuate the citizens of Earth. However hypergates must be constructed on Earth and Alpha Prime to provide stable points of departure and arrival. No idea what we’re talking about? Good, let’s move on. The project is accelerated after Global Sedition terrorist forces send two armed fighters to destroy the hypergate under construction. Major Don West, a fighter pilot from the hypergate defense force, manages to destroy the enemy fighters and is unwillingly drafted as the new pilot of the Jupiter Mission, as the previous pilot has been assassinated. Major Don West is also very attracted to Judy Robinson, and hits on her constantly. Romance is in the air! The action and excitement of this flick is as vast as space itself. Let’s buckle our safety belts and get lost…..in space……together……with Matt Leblanc.

Lost in Space (New Line Platinum Series)

contributing reporter: fet cobra

Vinny must try to stop Anthony from making the same mistakes.

Wed, 27 Jul 2011 10:36:51 -0400

After an unfortunate incident causes him to leave the “family business” and move to Los Angeles, Vinny Pallazzo is living a quiet life. Vinny is just trying to relax and stay away from the dark world that is crime life. No more murdering for Vinny. When his nephew, Anthony, moves in with him, Vinny slowly learns to live life to the fullest again. However, Anthony is young, and is living life in the fast lane. Anthony’s hanging out with some potentially bad dudes, and Vinny gets worried. Slowly, the demons from Vinny’s past start to surface. Vinny must try to stop Anthony from making the same mistakes that changed his life forever. There is nearly zero information available about this major motion picture, but it seems two things probably hold true. The first is that Matt Leblanc is certainly “lookin’ Italian,” and the second is that this movie most likely sucks.

Showdown [VHS] aka Lookin’ Italian

A few good men are sent on a top secret mission as a few good women.

Tue, 26 Jul 2011 12:08:23 -0400

A few good men are sent on a top secret mission as a few good women in this true tale of wartime espionage. We will get back to that in a few. Steven O’Rourke is an American intelligence agent who, during World War II, has been assigned to obtain an Enigma machine, which is a special encoding-and-decoding device that Axis forces have developed to transmit their most sensitive secret information (what the hell does this mean?). As you all know, a working Enigma machine would be invaluable to the Allied cause. O’Rourke is able to obtain the machine, but Colonel Aiken, a British officer whose stiff upper lip sometimes overpowers his common sense, mistakes O’Rourke for a plunderer and destroys the gadget, which is hidden in a typewriter. An altercation with Aiken lands O’Rourke in military prison, but he’s released in time to carry out a new plan to obtain an Enigma for Allied use. Moving right along, a small factory has been set up in rural Germany to build the machines. The only catch is that this factory is entirely staffed by women, so clearly O’Rourke, and his communications expert named Johnno, and veteran intelligence man named Archie are to infiltrate the plant disguised as women. They do so with the help of Tony who is an agent who moonlights as a drag performer. Tony gives the men a crash course in looking and acting like women. This movie is a giant heap of nonsense. Nonsense that you will love more than you love your working enigma machine.

All the Queen’s Men

Deuce feels there's something a bit undignified about having to look after a monkey.

Mon, 25 Jul 2011 15:39:00 -0400

Jack “Deuce” Cooper is a baseball pitcher who has great natural ability. Sadly, this talent has not translated to success on the baseball field, as Deuce continually chokes under pressure. Due to his consistent struggles, Deuce is traded to a class A minor league team. His professional baseball career is failing, and Deuce is really in the dumps. Could it get any worse? Well……yeah! Deuce is appalled to discover his new teams third baseman, and roommate on the road is a chimpanzee named Ed Sullivan. While Ed can actually hold his own on the diamond , Deuce feels there’s something a bit undignified about having to look after a monkey. Especially a monkey with poor hygiene and chronic flatulence. With time their relationship builds, and Deuce realizes that you can really learn a lot from a farting chimpanzee at the hot corner, or something like that.

Martha has had little luck finding the right guy.

Fri, 22 Jul 2011 07:57:00 -0400

Martha Alston is a thirty something single working as a producer for a talk show. Ever since Martha’s younger sister got married, her parents have been after her to settle down, but Martha has had little luck finding the right guy. On Valentine’s Day, Martha is depressed and drinking at a bar. She heads to the jukebox to choose a song, but drops her coin. As she bends down to pick it up, a man walks over and happens to select the song Martha was planning to choose. The man is Whitman Crawford. He seems like a perfect man — he’s good looking, sensitive, intelligent, and affectionate. That night, Martha and Whitman really hit it off and go home and do it. Martha likes Whitman, and tells him he can be himself around her. Martha immediately learns to regret this decision, as the real Whitman is a horrible poet, listens to awful music, gets a kick out of shoplifting, and enjoys sneakily dosing Martha with LSD for fun. What’s more, his mother and ex-girlfriend hate Martha’s guts and make sure she knows it. Martha breaks it off with Whitman, but he refuses to accept this. How can Martha convince her friends and family that she wants nothing to do with the guy they all think is the man of her dreams? More importantly, how does she convince Whitman who is a crazy stalker that it is over? Also, why does the movie open with Martha wearing a wedding dress locked up in a Mexican prison accused of murder? Who cares. Does the movie close with Martha riding a horse into the sunset with some younger co-worker named Walter? Most definitely!

Mr. Wrong

Joy is in Slovetzia to change Pochenko's reputation as a beastly leader.

Thu, 21 Jul 2011 08:11:00 -0400

A New York beautician named Joy Miller teaches students to groom hair. Sadly, she is put out of business when one of her clumsy students accidentally ignites hair spray with a cigarette and burns the school to the ground. Joy is highlighted in a newspaper article after she helps all her students and a series of caged animals escape from the building unharmed. The article is seen by this dude Ira Grushinsky, a diplomatic representative from the tiny Eastern European country Slovetzia. Ira has been sent to the US of A to find a tutor for the three children of Slovetzia’s President. He mistakenly thinks that Joy is an academic teacher, and after reading of her heroic ways he offers her the job. Joy contemplates and accepts. It is only after they arrive in Slovetzia that Ira realizes his error. By then it is too late, and Joy agrees to keep up the ruse of being a “real” teacher for the time being. The initial meeting between Joy and the President, a dictator named Boris Pochenko, gets off on the wrong foot. However, Joy gets along glowingly well with his three children Katrina, Karl, and Masha. Joy is an inspiration, as she teaches them of life outside Slovetzia and helps them gain confidence in themselves. Joy frequently clashes with Pochenko, who is disturbed by her fierce independence and the fact that she’s just not scared of him. Joy’s presence in Slovetzia is due to Pochenko’s desire to change his reputation among other Western nations as a “beast”. His second-in-command, Leonid Kleist is against Pochenko’s “softening” strategy, and wants to crush the growing rebellion among Slovetzia’s youth. Joy eventually learns that Katrina is in love with Alek, one of the leaders of the youth rebellion. Alek is captured by Pochenko, but Joy secretly helps Katrina sneak to his cell to see him. A summit of visiting emissaries are arriving in Slovetzia to meet with Pochenko, and Joy convinces him that the best way to prove that he is a modern-thinking man would be to throw a crazy fun party. Joy is put in charge of preparations, and during this time she and Pochenko grow closer. They are definitely crushing on one another. On the evening of the dinner, Joy confesses that she is not an academic teacher, but by this time Pochenko does not care about her credentials, only that she has brought happiness to him and his family. Later, Leonid confronts Joy with the fact that she has been helping Katrina meet Alek. When this information is brought to Pochenko, he yells at Joy a lot, and Joy decides to leave Slovetzia for good. Some months pass. Leonid has quietly taken over administrative duties and signing sentences in Pochenko’s name. Pochenko, made aware of this fact by Ira, confronts Leonid and strips him of his duties. Pochenko realizes that he has spent many months depressed and discontent after Joy’s leaving, and decides that it is time to change his ways. Joy is back at home in New York City with her parents. She has also felt empty since leaving Slovetzia. There is a knock at the door. Who is it? POCHENKO! Yay!

The Beautician and the Beast

Two good looking strangers find themselves hitched after a wild night of Las Vegas drunken shenanigans.

Wed, 20 Jul 2011 12:42:42 -0400

Two good looking strangers find themselves hitched after a wild night of Las Vegas drunken shenanigans. Jack Fuller is a single Manhattanite who can never quite commit to one lady. His lovers constantly tell him that he “isn’t serious boyfriend material.” Employed by his father at a local furniture business, Jack spends his workdays goofing off and watching sporting events behind hardworkings dad’s back. Joy McNally is faring slightly better; a young, polished urbanite, she juggles a demanding job as a trader on the NYSE and a marital engagement to the amazingly impressive Mason. Joy has modified her entire life and all of her interests to please her intended. Coincidentally, Jack’s pops fires his lazy son and Mason severs his engagement to Joy on the same day. As a result, both Jack and Joy hit the skids and decide to use the healthy coping mechanism of going to Vegas and drinking and gambling excessively. The two accidentally bump into one another when a computer mix-up at the hotel puts them in adjoining rooms. They begin their acquaintanceship by bickering endlessly, and wind up spending a long, drunken night on the town together. When the sun rises and Joy comes to, she discovers that she unwittingly married Jack in the middle of the night. Alas, just when the two are about to call it quits by filing for divorce after the shortest marriage in history of man, Jack tosses a coin into a Vegas slot machine and hits a three-million-dollar jackpot — which naturally pits the newlyweds against one another in an attempt to claim the full share of the money. Joy is indeed a gold digger. A conservative local judge, R.D. Whopper, then adds the final twist by refusing to grant a divorce until Joy and Jack have given married life a fair shake (cause that happens). In time, they may just discover that this union isn’t as far off the mark as they initially thought. By may, we mean will.

What Happens in Vegas [Blu-ray]

Milo apprehends her at a race track in New Jersey.

Tue, 19 Jul 2011 07:50:00 -0400

Milo Boyd is a former NYPD detective who now works as a sloppy bail enforcement agent. Milo seems to be bad at his job and is insulted by a cop early in the movie. Milo’s ex-wife, Nicole Hurley, is an investigative reporter who has been arrested for assaulting a police officer. The assaulted officer is a patrol horse she grazed with her car while rushing to get to a press conference. When she receives a hot tip on a story she is working on—an apparent suicide may have in fact actually been a murder — she skips her bond hearing to meet with her informant. Nicole’s informant is kidnapped before she arrives and the judge issues a warrant for Nicole’s arrest. Thing are not going Nicole’s way, but it only gets worse. Her ex Milo is ecstatic when bail bondsman, Sid offers him the job of tracking down Nicole and bringing her to jail, for a bounty of $5,000. Milo first questions Nicole’s mother Kitty who is a cabaret dancer in Atlantic City. He then uses his own intimate knowledge of Nicole’s bad habits and Milo apprehends her at a race track in New Jersey, throws her into his car trunk and drives back towards Manhattan. Nicole tries to beg, threaten, and con her way out of Milo’s clutches, but cannot escape. Neither is aware that they are being followed: Milo by two thugs sent by a bookie named Irene due to outstanding gambling debts; Nicole by criminal Earl Mahler, who is connected with the story she is investigating, and both of them by Nicole’s lovestruck coworker Stuart who is bent on “rescuing” her. Mahler catches up and tries to kill Nicole, but the two narrowly escape. Milo is not interested in explanations until Nicole admits that she’s found evidence that implicates their mutual friend, Bobby who is Milo’s ex-partner on the police force. Filled with anger, Milo decides to investigate the crime with her. Clues from Earl’s car lead them to a country club, where they learn from a crooked caddy that Earl owns a tattoo shop in New Jersey, so they start to make their way there. By pure coincidence, the nearest hotel is “Cupid’s Cabin,” the New Jersey based bed and breakfast where they apparently spent their honeymoon for some odd reason. Out of no where they redevelop feelings for each other, but Nicole overhears a heartbreaking phone conversation: Milo telling Sid that he may or may not bang Nicole that night, but that either way, Nicole will be in jail by morning. Infuriated, she handcuffs Milo to the bed and makes her way to the tattoo parlor herself, finding her informant and freeing him before she is captured by Irene’s thugs who are still looking for Milo. No worries though, Milo rescues her. He calls an old friend from the police force and learns that Bobby is on his way to the police’s evidence warehouse, which is being relocated to a new building. Bobby confronts Earl, who used to be his friend but has used Bobby’s name to gain access to a warehouse full of drugs and money and steal said large amounts of confiscated drugs and money. Bobby decides to arrest Earl, but Earl draws a gun and shoots him, though not fatally. Milo and Nicole enter the warehouse and Milo is ambushed, but Earl is forced to surrender when Nicole points a shotgun that she found at him. Bobby explains that Earl was using him, as well as the man who supposedly committed suicide, to gain access to this drug and money-filled warehouse. There was no proof, so Bobby was waiting for Earl to make his move before arresting him. Milo proudly notes that Earl might have gotten away with this massive crime if Nicole hadn’t picked up all these clues. He and Nicole appear to have reconciled. They concede that sometimes their jobs have to come first, but it seems like their love is growing once again. Milo then turns Nicole into the police. His job did indeed come first. On his way out of the precinct, Milo runs into the cop who insulted him earlier and punches him in the face. He is arrested and put in a cell next to Nicole’s. He reminds her that it is their anniversary and they have to spend it together romantically in jail. Through the bars they admit their love to each other and kiss. What in the world just happened?

The Bounty Hunter (+ Digital Copy) [Blu-ray]

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In honor of the Birthday Weekend Fellas.

Mary thinks the chemistry between her and Steve is undeniable.

Mon, 18 Jul 2011 07:55:58 -0400

Mary Horowitz is a socially awkward, but pretty crossword puzzle creator for the Sacramento Herald - she is an absolute disaster with a pet hamster. Steve is a successful news cameraman for news network CCN who is about to get shaken to the core. Set up on a blind date by her parents, Mary thinks the chemistry between her and Steve is undeniable and believes with all her heart that she has finally found her soulmate. She wants to kiss him at the end of the date, but Steve fakes a phone call and gets her out of his truck. Mary gets fired from the Herald for creating a totally weird crossword titled ‘All About Steve.’ After her firing, like most stalkers, she decides she will do anything and go anywhere to be with Steve. Mary’s escalating infatuation is encouraged by the self-serving actions of news reporter Hartman Hughes who enjoys torturing his insolent cameraman at every opportunity and enjoys using Mary’s encyclopedic knowledge to better his own career. As the news team crisscrosses the country covering breaking news stories, Steve becomes increasingly unhinged as Mary trails them. Mary eventually gets kicked off a bus due to being super annoying, hitchhikes and eventually meets two dumb protesters that she becomes gradual pals with. Steve and crew end up covering a breaking news story: an old mine collapsed with several deaf children stuck inside. Initially, it appears that the children are rescued. Mary, who arrives on the scene, accidentally falls into the mineshaft while excitedly running for Steve. Mary’s obsessive love leads to her being in a mineshaft, which leads to the world knowing that there is actually still one deaf kid stuck in the mineshaft. Steve begins to realize that Mary, in her own unique way, is a beautiful person. Just as Mary figures a way out, the two are joined by Hartman, who is made to feel guilty by the dumb protesters for getting Mary into this predicament. Mary’s rescue plan works, but she lets Hartman take the credit. Mary finally realizes she does not need Steve to be happy. She states a quote for the history books: “If you love someone, set him free; if you have to stalk him, he probably wasn’t yours in the first place.”

All About Steve [Blu-ray]

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Nashawn is indeed giving "flying the friendly skies" a new meaning.

Fri, 15 Jul 2011 10:27:15 -0400

After an excruciatingly humiliating in-flight experience that culminated in his butt getting stuck in the toilet, a messy breakup and the untimely death of a dog, Nashawn Wade sues the airline for all it’s worth. This turns out to be an extremely profitable move on his part; the lawsuit brings him a huge settlement of 600 million dollars. Eager to prevent his experience from happening to another, and perfectly willing to reap the financial benefits of the cash cow he believes his plan to be — Nashawn decides to launch Nashawn Wade Airlines (shared acronym with the infamous rap group). NWA is an airline complete with low-rider hydraulics, sensuous stewardesses, an onboard dance club, and a bathroom attendant. Nashawn is indeed giving “flying the friendly skies” a new meaning. However, chaos ensues in the form of a pilot with acrophobia due to learning to fly while in prison and a white family with the unfortunate last name of Hunkee. The Hunkee patriarch and his antics, combined with a variety of other super nuts events prevent the flight from going as smoothly as Nashawn intended. Fortunately, Nashawn gets back with his girlfriend, and the scared pilot takes a bunch of shrooms, “dies” (so we’re tricked to believe), and wakes up at the end of the flick to find that all of his clothes and jewelry has been stolen.

Soul Plane (Unrated Mile High Edition)

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If you didn't believe in me, none of this would have ever happened.

Thu, 14 Jul 2011 09:44:00 -0400

Billie’s nightclub singing mother is broke, and falls asleep while smoking a cigarette, setting their home on fire. Billie is sent to a foster home. Years later, the adult Billie is a club dancer with her two foster home pals, Louise and Roxanne. They meet Timothy Walker, who offers a contract as backup singers to a hot musician named Sylk. They record the hit single, “All My Life,” but Sylk’s vocal is absolute junk. To maximize sales based on the extreme sex appeal of Sylk, Timothy asks Billie to sing while Sylk lip-syncs. The song debuts at a nightclub where bad boy Julian Dice is djing. Dice is shocked by Sylk’s sudden singing abilities and goes to congratulate her. Dice witnesses Sylk insulting her backup singers in front of a photographer. Billie says NO to the verbal abuse of Sylk and sings a gorgeous acapella version of “All My Life.” Impressed, Dice wants to produce her but Billie turns him down as she cannot get out of her contract with Timothy. Dice threatens to not play any more artists from Timothy in his nightclub unless Timothy surrenders Billie. Timothy eventually agrees and Dice pays him $100,000 for the right to work with Billie. Billie and Dice produce the hit underground single, “Didn’t Mean to Turn You On.” They sign a contract with a major record label and go out for dinner together. After dinner she goes up to his apartment and they get it on. Billie’s first major single, “Loverboy” is a huge success. They go to make a music video, but the director is dissatisfied with the results. He makes Billie wear more revealing clothing and replaces dear friends Louise and Roxanne with professional semi-nude male dancers. Dice and Billie are pissed and they get out of there. Later, Billie is performing at the USA Music Awards and meets Rafael. Rafael suggests they write a song together. Dice gets jealous and accuses Rafael of making sexual advances towards Billie. Louise and Roxanne give Billie an ultimatum: them or Dice, but leave before she can choose. Billie cries to Dice and says “If you didn’t believe in me, none of this would have ever happened.” They make-up. Sadly the reconciliation is short-lived as Billie gets a threat from Timothy concerning the debt that Dice failed to pay. Dice is real mad, and puts Timothy in the hospital. Dice gets arrested mid-beating, causing Billie to leave her appearance on Late Night Live to bail him out. Billie is upset that Dice lied and leaves him. Billie then creates a hit song with Rafael, but her emotional pain caused by life without Dice leads her to songwriting on her own. Dice misses Billie as well, and begins writing a song. Billie goes to Dice’s apartment in an attempt to reconcile. He’s not home, but the music he has written is. Billie realizes they wrote the SAME SONG! She kisses the sheet music, leaving a lipstick imprint, which Dice later discovers. Dice is on his way to redeclare his love for Billie when he is shot dead by Timothy. Billie learns of the terrible news onstage and commands the band to stop playing “Loverboy.” She tells her passionate fans to never take someone for granted, and that you should tell those you love that you love them because they may die. She then starts to sing “Never Too Far,” which is the song that she and Dice somehow managed to write at the same time while apart (because of their awesome deep love connection). After the show Billie reads a note Dice had left her, where he declares his love and informs her that he has found Billie’s cigarette in bed natural mother. Billie’s limo takes her to some secluded rural property where she is finally reunited with her long lost mom.

Glitter

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dedicated to Daniel Stein

Their mutual antagonism turns into unfettered lust.

Wed, 13 Jul 2011 12:28:00 -0400

Amber Leighton is the wife of Dr. Anthony Leighton, the wealthy and successful head of a pharmaceutical company. While Amber seemingly leads a charmed life, it doesn’t appear to make her very happy, and she often inflicts her typically foul mood on those around her, especially the hired help. Anthony decides to surprise Amber with a cruise from Italy to Greece, with four of their friends in tow, but Amber doesn’t much care for the notion. Amber feels the yacht they’ve hired is far beneath her standards, and she makes extremely handsome Giuseppe, the first mate of the crew, the primary target of her dissatisfaction. Giuseppe, an ardent communist, feels nothing but contempt for Amber, but for the sake of his job he can’t say a word in response to her attacks. One day, Amber declines an invitation to go diving with her friends, but later changes her mind, demanding that Giuseppe take her to the underwater caves. Giuseppe warns Amber that a storm is brewing, and sure enough his prediction is shockingly accurate. Amber and Giuseppe are now stranded on a desert island, and suddenly they discover the tables have turned. Giuseppe, a trained fisherman and expert of the great outdoors, knows how to survive on the island, while Amber is utterly helpless. So like a true gentleman, he seeks revenge and forces her to cower under his commands in order to survive. Before long, their mutual antagonism turns into unfettered lust and Amber cheats on her wealthy husband with the hired help. Most of the unfettered lust takes place on sand.

Swept Away

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Will Vanilla Ice save his new loves parents via rapping?

Tue, 12 Jul 2011 12:18:00 -0400

“Rebel Without a Cause” is finally updated into a musical for the rap crowd! Obviously Vanilla Ice takes over for James Dean as a 1990’s rapping rebel. Ice is the leader of a tough bike gang and rolls into town on a neon-yellow motorcycle which gets everyone’s attention, including Kathy, a cute goody two-shoes honor student who does not have a rebellious bone in her body. Ice falls for said honor student, and learns that her family is involved in the Witness Protection Program. Ice then finds out that corrupt cops are after his sweet honor students folks. Will Vanilla Ice save his new loves parents via crappy rapping? The world certainly hopes so!

Cool As Ice [USA, 1991][Special 2-Disc Edition]

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Christopher Tracy is a pianist and gigolo in France.

Mon, 11 Jul 2011 09:03:00 -0400

Christopher Tracy is a pianist and gigolo in Nice, France. In an effort to help pay the bills, Christopher and his cousin, Tricky crash the coming-out party of Mary Sharon, the daughter of a wealthy and powerful local magnate. Christopher hopes to win the heart of Mary and marry her for her awesome cashflow. In an unpredictable twist, Christopher finds that he actually falls in love with super rich Mary. Mr. Sharon (Mary’s dad) is pissed that his daughter is dating a poor musically talented gigolo and threatens Christopher and Tricky. Some other things happen, and eventually Mary agrees to meet Christopher for a final rendezvous. Sadly, Mr. Sharon’s henchmen get to Chris first. Mary arrives just in time to see Christopher shot by her father’s lackeys.

Under the Cherry Moon

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Just when you think Rocky won't fight again due to tremendous amounts of brain damage.

Fri, 08 Jul 2011 08:12:00 -0400

Rocky Balboa returns home to Philadelphia from his monster bout in Moscow. He quickly learns that he has suffered career-ending brain damage as a result of Russian boxer Ivan Drago’s fists of brick pounding his head repeatedly at the finale of the previous film. Rocky and his wife, Adrian, also discover they are broke, their fortune squandered in the stock market by an incompetent accountant who was recommended by Adrian’s screw-up brother, Paulie. Forced to move back to their working-class neighborhood, Rocky finds that his only asset is the run-down gym willed to him by Mickey (who appears in a variety of emotional flashbacks). Rocky turns down big money offered to him by Don King-like boxing promoter George Washington Duke and decides to become a trainer. Balboa finds a talented young buck named Tommy Gunn and trains him with all of his wonderful heart. While this is happening, Rocky’s son feels neglected and starts hanging out with a bad crowd and getting into fights. Rocky cannot compete with the high salaries and glittering prizes being offered by obnoxious Duke and the now arrogant Tommy turns his back on his mentor to sign a more lucrative deal. Tommy wins a bunch of matches, but the fans just aren’t digging him. Duke convinces Tommy that the only way to win the hearts of the fans is to prove his power by beating up his once mentor. Tommy Gunn finds Rocky hanging out at a local watering hole, and insists he step outside and fight him in the street. Just when you think Rocky won’t fight again due to tremendous amounts of brain damage, Rocky decides he needs to make a point and steps into the street to participate in an epically ridiculous street fight.

Rocky V

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The center-fielder has always treated the game like a matter of life and death. This time, it really is.

Thu, 07 Jul 2011 11:52:00 -0400

Gil Renard is a salesman at a run-of-the-mill knife store and is also completely obsessed with America’s pastime, baseball. Living in the Bay area, Gil is a diehard Giants fan. During the offseason, the Giants sign all-star center-fielder Bobby Rayburn to a monster 40 Million dollar contract. Gil is pumped about this signing, but sadly things do not go so well for both Gil and Rayburn. Rayburn is not living up to his mega contract and crazy Gil loses his job, wife and son. After Gil loses his job and his family, he goes deeper into his insane obsession with Bobby Rayburn and takes matters into his own hands. Gil somehow becomes pals with Rayburn, who lets him wear his old braves uniform. Gil believes that Rayburn is slumping because of another Giants player named Juan Primo who is playing well and getting a lot of positive attention. SO Gil tries to be a helpful buddy and fan by murdering Juan Primo. But when Gil feels that Rayburn is ungrateful for his thoughtful act of murdering a teammate, Gil kidnaps Rayburn’s son, Sean. The center-fielder has always treated the game like a matter of life and death. This time, it really is. Rayburn must perform at his best in the final game of the season in order to save his son. Talk about performing under pressure!

The Fan

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