The Major Motion Picture Preservation Society

Today we celebrate Air Bud, and only Air Bud. You know why? Cause it's preposterous.


Is there a brilliant film that we must post?

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Two good looking strangers find themselves hitched after a wild night of Las Vegas drunken shenanigans.

Two good looking strangers find themselves hitched after a wild night of Las Vegas drunken shenanigans. Jack Fuller is a single Manhattanite who can never quite commit to one lady.  His lovers constantly tell him that he “isn’t serious boyfriend material.” Employed by his father at a local furniture business, Jack spends his workdays goofing off  and watching sporting events behind hardworkings dad’s back. Joy McNally is faring slightly better; a young, polished urbanite, she juggles a demanding job as a trader on the NYSE and a marital engagement to the amazingly impressive Mason.  Joy has modified her entire life and all of her interests to please her intended.  Coincidentally, Jack’s pops fires his lazy son and Mason severs his engagement to Joy on the same day.  As a result, both Jack and Joy hit the skids  and decide to use the healthy coping mechanism of going to Vegas and drinking and gambling excessively. The two accidentally bump into one another when a computer mix-up at the hotel puts them in adjoining rooms.  They begin their acquaintanceship by bickering endlessly, and wind up spending a long, drunken night on the town together.  When the sun rises and Joy comes to, she discovers that she unwittingly married Jack in the middle of the night. Alas, just when the two are about to call it quits by filing for divorce after the shortest marriage in history of man, Jack tosses a coin into a Vegas slot machine and hits a three-million-dollar jackpot — which naturally pits the newlyweds against one another in an attempt to claim the full share of the money.  Joy is indeed a gold digger. A conservative local judge, R.D. Whopper, then adds the final twist by refusing to grant a divorce until Joy and Jack have given married life a fair shake (cause that happens).  In time, they may just discover that this union isn’t as far off the mark as they initially thought.  By may, we mean will.

What Happens in Vegas [Blu-ray]

Milo apprehends her at a race track in New Jersey.

Milo Boyd is a former NYPD detective who now works as a sloppy bail enforcement agent.  Milo seems to be bad at his job and is insulted by a cop early in the movie.  Milo’s ex-wife, Nicole Hurley, is an investigative reporter who has been arrested for assaulting a police officer. The assaulted officer is a patrol horse she grazed with her car while rushing to get to a press conference. When she receives a hot tip on a story she is working on—an apparent suicide may have in fact actually been a murder — she skips her bond hearing to meet with her informant.  Nicole’s informant is kidnapped before she arrives and the judge issues a warrant for Nicole’s arrest.  Thing are not going Nicole’s way, but it only gets worse.  Her ex Milo is ecstatic when bail bondsman, Sid offers him the job of tracking down Nicole and bringing her to jail, for a bounty of $5,000. Milo first questions Nicole’s mother Kitty who is a cabaret dancer in Atlantic City.  He then uses his own intimate knowledge of Nicole’s bad habits and Milo apprehends her at a race track in New Jersey, throws her into his car trunk and drives back towards Manhattan. Nicole tries to beg, threaten, and con her way out of Milo’s clutches, but cannot escape.  Neither is aware that they are being followed: Milo by two thugs sent by a bookie named Irene due to outstanding gambling debts; Nicole by criminal Earl Mahler, who is connected with the story she is investigating, and both of them by Nicole’s lovestruck coworker Stuart who is bent on “rescuing” her.  Mahler catches up and tries to kill Nicole, but the two narrowly escape. Milo is not interested in explanations until Nicole admits that she’s found evidence that implicates their mutual friend, Bobby who is Milo’s ex-partner on the police force. Filled with anger, Milo decides to investigate the crime with her.  Clues from Earl’s car lead them to a country club, where they learn from a crooked caddy that Earl owns a tattoo shop in New Jersey, so they start to make their way there.  By pure coincidence, the nearest hotel is “Cupid’s Cabin,” the New Jersey based bed and breakfast where they apparently spent their honeymoon for some odd reason.  Out of no where they redevelop feelings for each other, but Nicole overhears a heartbreaking phone conversation: Milo telling Sid that he may or may not bang Nicole that night, but that either way, Nicole will be in jail by morning. Infuriated, she handcuffs Milo to the bed and makes her way to the tattoo parlor herself, finding her informant and freeing him before she is captured by Irene’s thugs who are still looking for Milo.  No worries though, Milo rescues her. He calls an old friend from the police force and learns that Bobby is on his way to the police’s evidence warehouse, which is being relocated to a new building. Bobby confronts Earl, who used to be his friend but has used Bobby’s name to gain access to a warehouse full of drugs and money and steal said large amounts of confiscated drugs and money. Bobby decides to arrest Earl, but Earl draws a gun and shoots him, though not fatally. Milo and Nicole enter the warehouse and Milo is ambushed, but Earl is forced to surrender when Nicole points a shotgun that she found at him.  Bobby explains that Earl was using him, as well as the man who supposedly committed suicide, to gain access to this drug and money-filled warehouse. There was no proof, so Bobby was waiting for Earl to make his move before arresting him. Milo proudly notes that Earl might have gotten away with this massive crime if Nicole hadn’t picked up all these clues. He and Nicole appear to have reconciled.  They concede that sometimes their jobs have to come first, but it seems like their love is growing once again. Milo then turns Nicole into the police.  His job did indeed come first.  On his way out of the precinct, Milo runs into the cop who insulted him earlier and punches him in the face. He is arrested and put in a cell next to Nicole’s. He reminds her that it is their anniversary and they have to spend it together romantically in jail. Through the bars they admit their love to each other and kiss.  What in the world just happened?

The Bounty Hunter (+ Digital Copy) [Blu-ray]

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In honor of the Birthday Weekend Fellas.

Mary thinks the chemistry between her and Steve is undeniable.

Mary Horowitz is a socially awkward, but pretty crossword puzzle creator for the Sacramento Herald - she is an absolute disaster with a pet hamster. Steve is a successful news cameraman for news network CCN who is about to get shaken to the core. Set up on a blind date by her parents, Mary thinks the chemistry between her and Steve is undeniable and believes with all her heart that she has finally found her soulmate.  She wants to kiss him at the end of the date, but Steve fakes a phone call and gets her out of his truck.  Mary gets fired from the Herald for creating a totally weird crossword titled ‘All About Steve.’  After her firing, like most stalkers, she decides she will do anything and go anywhere to be with Steve.  Mary’s escalating infatuation is encouraged by the self-serving actions of news reporter Hartman Hughes who enjoys torturing his insolent cameraman at every opportunity and enjoys using Mary’s encyclopedic knowledge to better his own career. As the news team crisscrosses the country covering breaking news stories, Steve becomes increasingly unhinged as Mary trails them. Mary eventually gets kicked off a bus due to being super annoying, hitchhikes and eventually meets two dumb protesters that she becomes gradual pals with.  Steve and crew end up covering a breaking news story: an old mine collapsed with several deaf children stuck inside. Initially, it appears that the children are rescued. Mary, who arrives on the scene, accidentally falls into the mineshaft while excitedly running for Steve. Mary’s obsessive love leads to her being in a mineshaft, which leads to the world knowing that there is actually still one deaf kid stuck in the mineshaft.  Steve begins to realize that Mary, in her own unique way, is a beautiful person. Just as Mary figures a way out, the two are joined by Hartman, who is made to feel guilty by the dumb protesters for getting Mary into this predicament. Mary’s rescue plan works, but she lets Hartman take the credit. Mary finally realizes she does not need Steve to be happy.  She states a quote for the history books: “If you love someone, set him free; if you have to stalk him, he probably wasn’t yours in the first place.”

All About Steve [Blu-ray]

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Nashawn is indeed giving “flying the friendly skies” a new meaning.

After an excruciatingly humiliating in-flight experience that culminated in his butt getting stuck in the toilet, a messy breakup and the untimely death of a dog, Nashawn Wade sues the airline for all it’s worth. This turns out to be an extremely profitable move on his part; the lawsuit brings him a huge settlement of 600 million dollars. Eager to prevent his experience from happening to another, and perfectly willing to reap the financial benefits of the cash cow he believes his plan to be — Nashawn decides to launch Nashawn Wade Airlines (shared acronym with the infamous rap group).  NWA is an airline complete with low-rider hydraulics, sensuous stewardesses, an onboard dance club, and a bathroom attendant.  Nashawn is indeed giving “flying the friendly skies” a new meaning.  However, chaos ensues in the form of a pilot with acrophobia due to learning to fly while in prison and a white family with the unfortunate last name of Hunkee. The Hunkee patriarch and his antics, combined with a variety of other super nuts events prevent the flight from going as smoothly as Nashawn intended.  Fortunately, Nashawn gets back with his girlfriend, and the scared pilot takes a bunch of shrooms, “dies” (so we’re tricked to believe), and wakes up at the end of the flick to find that all of his clothes and jewelry has been stolen.

Soul Plane (Unrated Mile High Edition)

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If you didn’t believe in me, none of this would have ever happened.

Billie’s nightclub singing mother is broke, and falls asleep while smoking a cigarette, setting their home on fire.  Billie is sent to a foster home.  Years later, the adult Billie is a club dancer with her two foster home pals, Louise and Roxanne. They meet Timothy Walker, who offers a contract as backup singers to a hot musician named Sylk. They record the hit single, “All My Life,” but Sylk’s vocal is absolute junk. To maximize sales based on the extreme sex appeal of Sylk, Timothy asks Billie to sing while Sylk lip-syncs.  The song debuts at a nightclub where bad boy Julian Dice is djing.  Dice is shocked by Sylk’s sudden singing abilities and goes to congratulate her.  Dice witnesses Sylk insulting her backup singers in front of a photographer.  Billie says NO to the verbal abuse of Sylk and sings a gorgeous acapella version of “All My Life.”  Impressed, Dice wants to produce her but Billie turns him down as she cannot get out of her contract with Timothy.  Dice threatens to not play any more artists from Timothy in his nightclub unless Timothy surrenders Billie. Timothy eventually agrees and Dice pays him $100,000 for the right to work with Billie.  Billie and Dice produce the hit underground single, “Didn’t Mean to Turn You On.” They sign a contract with a major record label and go out for dinner together. After dinner she goes up to his apartment and they get it on.  Billie’s first major single, “Loverboy” is a huge success. They go to make a music video, but the director is dissatisfied with the results.  He makes Billie wear more revealing clothing and replaces dear friends Louise and Roxanne with professional semi-nude male dancers. Dice and Billie are pissed and they get out of there.  Later, Billie is performing at the USA Music Awards and meets Rafael.  Rafael suggests they write a song together.  Dice gets jealous and accuses Rafael of making sexual advances towards Billie. Louise and Roxanne give Billie an ultimatum: them or Dice, but leave before she can choose. Billie cries to Dice and says “If you didn’t believe in me, none of this would have ever happened.”  They make-up.  Sadly the reconciliation is short-lived as Billie gets a threat from Timothy concerning the debt that Dice failed to pay.  Dice is real mad, and puts Timothy in the hospital. Dice gets arrested mid-beating, causing Billie to leave her appearance on Late Night Live to bail him out. Billie is upset that Dice lied and leaves him.   Billie then creates a hit song with Rafael, but her emotional pain caused by life without Dice leads her to songwriting on her own. Dice misses Billie as well, and begins writing a song. Billie goes to Dice’s apartment in an attempt to reconcile. He’s not home, but the music he has written is.  Billie realizes they wrote the SAME SONG! She kisses the sheet music, leaving a lipstick imprint, which Dice later discovers.  Dice is on his way to redeclare his love for Billie when he is shot dead by Timothy.  Billie learns of the terrible news onstage and commands the band to stop playing “Loverboy.” She tells her passionate fans to never take someone for granted, and that you should tell those you love that you love them because they may die.  She then starts to sing “Never Too Far,” which is the song that she and Dice somehow managed to write at the same time while apart (because of their awesome deep love connection).  After the show Billie reads a note Dice had left her, where he declares his love and informs her that he has found Billie’s cigarette in bed natural mother. Billie’s limo takes her to some secluded rural property where she is finally reunited with her long lost mom. 

Glitter

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dedicated to Daniel Stein

Their mutual antagonism turns into unfettered lust.

Amber Leighton is the wife of Dr. Anthony Leighton, the wealthy and successful head of a pharmaceutical company. While Amber seemingly leads a charmed life, it doesn’t appear to make her very happy, and she often inflicts her typically foul mood on those around her, especially the hired help. Anthony decides to surprise Amber with a cruise from Italy to Greece, with four of their friends in tow, but Amber doesn’t much care for the notion. Amber feels the yacht they’ve hired is far beneath her standards, and she makes extremely handsome Giuseppe, the first mate of the crew, the primary target of her dissatisfaction. Giuseppe, an ardent communist, feels nothing but contempt for Amber, but for the sake of his job he can’t say a word in response to her attacks. One day, Amber declines an invitation to go diving with her friends, but later changes her mind, demanding that Giuseppe take her to the underwater caves. Giuseppe warns Amber that a storm is brewing, and sure enough his prediction is shockingly accurate.  Amber and Giuseppe are now stranded on a desert island, and suddenly they discover the tables have turned. Giuseppe, a trained fisherman and expert of the great outdoors, knows how to survive on the island, while Amber is utterly helpless.  So like a true gentleman, he seeks revenge and forces her to cower under his commands in order to survive.  Before long, their mutual antagonism turns into unfettered lust and Amber cheats on her wealthy husband with the hired help.  Most of the unfettered lust takes place on sand.

Swept Away

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Will Vanilla Ice save his new loves parents via rapping?

“Rebel Without a Cause” is finally updated into a musical for the rap crowd! Obviously Vanilla Ice takes over for James Dean as a 1990’s rapping rebel.  Ice is the leader of a tough bike gang and rolls into town on a neon-yellow motorcycle which gets everyone’s attention, including Kathy, a cute goody two-shoes honor student who does not have a rebellious bone in her body.  Ice falls for said honor student, and learns that her family is involved in the Witness Protection Program.  Ice then finds out that corrupt cops are after his sweet honor students folks.  Will Vanilla Ice save his new loves parents via crappy rapping?  The world certainly hopes so!

Cool As Ice [USA, 1991][Special 2-Disc Edition]

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Christopher Tracy is a pianist and gigolo in France.

Christopher Tracy is a pianist and gigolo in Nice, France. In an effort to help pay the bills, Christopher and his cousin, Tricky crash the coming-out party of Mary Sharon, the daughter of a wealthy and powerful local magnate. Christopher hopes to win the heart of Mary and marry her for her awesome cashflow.  In an unpredictable twist, Christopher finds that he actually falls in love with super rich Mary.  Mr. Sharon (Mary’s dad) is pissed that his daughter is dating a poor musically talented gigolo and threatens Christopher and Tricky.  Some other things happen, and eventually Mary agrees to meet Christopher for a final rendezvous.  Sadly, Mr. Sharon’s henchmen get to Chris first.   Mary arrives just in time to see Christopher shot by her father’s lackeys.

Under the Cherry Moon

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Just when you think Rocky won’t fight again due to tremendous amounts of brain damage.

Rocky Balboa returns home to Philadelphia from his monster bout in Moscow.  He quickly learns that he has suffered career-ending brain damage as a result of Russian boxer Ivan Drago’s fists of brick pounding his head repeatedly at the finale of the previous film. Rocky and his wife, Adrian, also discover they are broke, their fortune squandered in the stock market by an incompetent accountant who was recommended by Adrian’s screw-up brother, Paulie. Forced to move back to their working-class neighborhood, Rocky finds that his only asset is the run-down gym willed to him by Mickey (who appears in a variety of emotional flashbacks). Rocky turns down big money offered to him by Don King-like boxing promoter George Washington Duke and decides to become a trainer.  Balboa finds a talented young buck named Tommy Gunn and trains him with all of his wonderful heart.  While this is happening, Rocky’s son feels neglected and starts hanging out with a bad crowd and getting into fights.  Rocky cannot compete with the high salaries and glittering prizes being offered by obnoxious Duke and the now arrogant Tommy turns his back on his mentor to sign a more lucrative deal.  Tommy wins a bunch of matches, but the fans just aren’t digging him.  Duke convinces Tommy that the only way to win the hearts of the fans is to prove his power by beating up his once mentor.  Tommy Gunn finds Rocky hanging out at a local watering hole, and insists he step outside and fight him in the street.  Just when you think Rocky won’t fight again due to tremendous amounts of brain damage, Rocky decides he needs to make a point and steps into the street to participate in an epically ridiculous street fight.

Rocky V

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The center-fielder has always treated the game like a matter of life and death. This time, it really is.

Gil Renard is a salesman at a run-of-the-mill knife store and is also completely obsessed with America’s pastime, baseball. Living in the Bay area, Gil is a diehard Giants fan. During the offseason, the Giants sign all-star center-fielder Bobby Rayburn to a monster 40 Million dollar contract. Gil is pumped about this signing, but sadly things do not go so well for both Gil and Rayburn. Rayburn is not living up to his mega contract and crazy Gil loses his job, wife and son.  After Gil loses his job and his family, he goes deeper into his insane obsession with Bobby Rayburn and takes matters into his own hands. Gil somehow becomes pals with Rayburn, who lets him wear his old braves uniform.  Gil believes that Rayburn is slumping because of another Giants player named Juan Primo who is playing well and getting a lot of positive attention. SO Gil tries to be a helpful buddy and fan by murdering Juan Primo.  But when Gil feels that Rayburn is ungrateful for his thoughtful act of murdering a teammate, Gil kidnaps Rayburn’s son, Sean.  The center-fielder has always treated the game like a matter of life and death. This time, it really is.  Rayburn must perform at his best in the final game of the season in order to save his son.  Talk about performing under pressure!

The Fan

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