The Major Motion Picture Preservation Society

Today we celebrate Air Bud, and only Air Bud. You know why? Cause it's preposterous.


Is there a brilliant film that we must post?

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Air Bud anyone?

Air Bud anyone?

Josh is amazed when he realizes that Buddy loves basketball too.

A young boy and a talented stray dog with an amazing basketball ability become instant friends, because they have no one else. Rebounding from his father’s accidental death, 12-year-old Josh Framm moves with his family to the small town of Fernfield, Washington. The new kid in town, Josh has no friends and is too shy to try out for the school basketball team. Instead he prefers to practice alone on an abandoned court.  So lonely.  Anyways, he befriends a runaway golden retriever named Buddy. Josh is amazed when he realizes that Buddy loves basketball too (maybe cause he is a dog).  Not only does Buddy play the game of b-ball.  He is actually damn good!  He is also a total sweetie. Josh eventually makes the school team and Buddy is named the Team Mascot.   Josh and Buddy start performing doggy basketball tricks during halftime of the school games. Buddy’s half-time talent draws media attention. Unfortunately, Buddy’s mean former owner named Norm Snively comes along with a scheme to cash in on the pup’s celebrity.  Oh no…it looks like they are going to be separated.  But they love each other. How the hell will they stop Norm Snively?  The answer is with a ton of heart, and some zone defense.

Air Bud (Special Edition)

Theresa never told her parents that she’s dating a white guy.

Percy and Marilyn Jones are renewing their vows for their anniversary.  That is right, Percy is being romantic for a change.  Their adult daughter Theresa brings her boyfriend named Simon for them to meet. Unbeknownst to her parents, Theresa and Simon plan to announce their engagement during this exciting celebratory weekend. Sounds like a lovely weekend.  Right?  Wondering what the catch is?  The Jones family is Black and Simon is White (and is Ashton Kutcher).  Theresa never told her parents that she’s dating a white guy.  Percy is pissed!  So he does what any major motion picture father would do and instigates an investigation of Simon. Percy discovers that Simon recently lost his job and hasn’t told sweet Theresa. Mistrust rears its ugly head, and in the process of Theresa and Simon’s argument, Marilyn and Percy also start arguing like crazy. Can’t these dudes just get along?  Will they make peace with their lovers?  How did the dad and boyfriend wind up in the same bed?  Do not watch to find out!

Guess Who

Circumnavigate the world in a mere 80 days.

 

Set in 1872, the story focuses on Passepartout, a Chinese thief who steals a valuable jade Buddha (everyone knows only the finest Buddha are made from Jade).  He then seeks refuge in the traveling companionship of an eccentric London inventor and adventurer, Phileas Fogg.  Fogg has accepted a bet with members of his gentlemen’s club that he can circumnavigate the world in a mere 80 days, using all sorts of transportation: balloons, boats, trains, more balloons, elephants, witty dialogue, stunts, etc. Along the way, Passepartout uses his mad karate abilities to defend Fogg from the many dangers they face like balloons, boats, trains, some more balloons, elephants, witty dialogue, stunts, and so on.  One major threat to their adventure is a detective that’s on their tail.  Just as Fogg and Passeportout left London, a major bank was robbed, and this annoying detective suspects that Fogg is using his “around the world” trip as an excuse to escape.  Speaking of escapes, this stupid remake is a great escape from reality and feelings of fulfillment.  Jackie Chan stars.  The Governator pops up for a few as well.  Yup!

Around the World in 80 Days (Widescreen Edition)

Major Don West destroys the enemy, while crushing on Judy.

In the year 2058, Earth will soon be uninhabitable after the irreversible effects of pollution. The United Global Space Force (formally known as FEMA) serves as the planetary government. Professor John Robinson, lead scientist of the Jupiter Mission, will lead his family, wife Dr. Maureen Robinson, daughters Dr. Judy Robinson and Penny and son Will to the habitable planet Alpha Prime to prepare it for colonization by building a hypergate in orbit.  What a smart family! The Jupiter 2 is equipped with a hyperdrive that allows faster-than-light travel, which will eventually be employed to evacuate the citizens of Earth. However hypergates must be constructed on Earth and Alpha Prime to provide stable points of departure and arrival.  No idea what we’re talking about?  Good, let’s move on. The project is accelerated after Global Sedition terrorist forces send two armed fighters to destroy the hypergate under construction. Major Don West, a fighter pilot from the hypergate defense force, manages to destroy the enemy fighters and is unwillingly drafted as the new pilot of the Jupiter Mission, as the previous pilot has been assassinated. Major Don West  is also very attracted to Judy Robinson, and hits on her constantly.  Romance is in the air! The action and excitement of this flick is as vast as space itself. Let’s buckle our safety belts and get lost…..in space……together……with Matt Leblanc.

Lost in Space (New Line Platinum Series)

contributing reporter: fet cobra

Vinny must try to stop Anthony from making the same mistakes.

After an unfortunate incident causes him to leave the “family business” and move to Los Angeles, Vinny Pallazzo is living a quiet life.  Vinny is just trying to relax and stay away from the dark world that is crime life. No more murdering for Vinny.  When his nephew, Anthony, moves in with him, Vinny slowly learns to live life to the fullest again. However, Anthony is young, and is living life in the fast lane. Anthony’s hanging out with some potentially bad dudes, and Vinny gets worried.  Slowly, the demons from Vinny’s past start to surface. Vinny must try to stop Anthony from making the same mistakes that changed his life forever.  There is nearly zero information available about this major motion picture, but it seems two things probably hold true.  The first is that Matt Leblanc is certainly “lookin’ Italian,” and the second is that this movie most likely sucks.

Showdown [VHS] aka Lookin’ Italian

A few good men are sent on a top secret mission as a few good women.

A few good men are sent on a top secret mission as a few good women in this true tale of wartime espionage.  We will get back to that in a few. Steven O’Rourke is an American intelligence agent who, during World War II, has been assigned to obtain an Enigma machine, which is a special encoding-and-decoding device that Axis forces have developed to transmit their most sensitive secret information (what the hell does this mean?). As you all know, a working Enigma machine would be invaluable to the Allied cause.  O’Rourke is able to obtain the machine, but Colonel Aiken, a British officer whose stiff upper lip sometimes overpowers his common sense, mistakes O’Rourke for a plunderer and destroys the gadget, which is hidden in a typewriter. An altercation with Aiken lands O’Rourke in military prison, but he’s released in time to carry out a new plan to obtain an Enigma for Allied use. Moving right along, a small factory has been set up in rural Germany to build the machines.  The only catch is that this factory is entirely staffed by women, so clearly O’Rourke, and his communications expert named Johnno, and veteran intelligence man named Archie are to infiltrate the plant disguised as women.  They do so with the help of Tony who is an agent who moonlights as a drag performer.  Tony gives the men a crash course in looking and acting like women.  This movie is a giant heap of nonsense.  Nonsense that you will love more than you love your working enigma machine.

All the Queen’s Men

Deuce feels there’s something a bit undignified about having to look after a monkey.

Jack “Deuce” Cooper is a baseball pitcher who has great natural ability. Sadly, this talent has not translated to success on the baseball field, as Deuce continually chokes under pressure. Due to his consistent struggles, Deuce is traded to a class A minor league team.  His professional baseball career is failing, and Deuce is really in the dumps.  Could it get any worse?  Well……yeah!  Deuce is appalled to discover his new teams third baseman, and roommate on the road is a chimpanzee named Ed Sullivan. While Ed can actually hold his own on the diamond , Deuce feels there’s something a bit undignified about having to look after a monkey.  Especially a monkey with poor hygiene and chronic flatulence.  With time their relationship builds, and Deuce realizes that you can really learn a lot from a farting chimpanzee at the hot corner, or something like that.

Ed

Martha has had little luck finding the right guy.

Martha Alston is a thirty something single working as a producer for a talk show. Ever since Martha’s younger sister got married, her parents have been after her to settle down, but Martha has had little luck finding the right guy. On Valentine’s Day, Martha is depressed and drinking at a bar.  She heads to the jukebox to choose a song, but drops her coin.  As she bends down to pick it up, a man walks over and happens to select the song Martha was planning to choose.  The man is Whitman Crawford. He seems like a perfect man — he’s good looking, sensitive, intelligent, and affectionate.  That night, Martha and Whitman really hit it off and go home and do it. Martha likes Whitman, and tells him he can be himself around her.  Martha immediately learns to regret this decision, as the real Whitman is a horrible poet, listens to awful music, gets a kick out of shoplifting, and enjoys sneakily dosing Martha with LSD for fun. What’s more, his mother and ex-girlfriend hate Martha’s guts and make sure she knows it. Martha breaks it off with Whitman, but he refuses to accept this.  How can Martha convince her friends and family that she wants nothing to do with the guy they all think is the man of her dreams? More importantly, how does she convince Whitman who is a crazy stalker that it is over?  Also, why does the movie open with Martha wearing a wedding dress locked up in a Mexican prison accused of murder?  Who cares.  Does the movie close with Martha riding a horse into the sunset with some younger co-worker named Walter?  Most definitely!

Mr. Wrong

Joy is in Slovetzia to change Pochenko’s reputation as a beastly leader.

A New York beautician named Joy Miller teaches students to groom hair.  Sadly, she is put out of business when one of her clumsy students accidentally ignites hair spray with a cigarette and burns the school to the ground.  Joy is highlighted in a newspaper article after she helps all her students and a series of caged animals escape from the building unharmed.  The article is seen by this dude Ira Grushinsky, a diplomatic representative from the tiny Eastern European country Slovetzia. Ira has been sent to the US of A to find a tutor for the three children of Slovetzia’s President.  He mistakenly thinks that Joy is an academic teacher, and after reading of her heroic ways he offers her the job. Joy contemplates and accepts.  It is only after they arrive in Slovetzia that Ira realizes his error. By then it is too late, and Joy agrees to keep up the ruse of being a “real” teacher for the time being.  The initial meeting between Joy and the President, a dictator named Boris Pochenko, gets off on the wrong foot.  However, Joy gets along glowingly well with his three children Katrina, Karl, and Masha.  Joy is an inspiration, as she teaches them of life outside Slovetzia and helps them gain confidence in themselves. Joy frequently clashes with Pochenko, who is disturbed by her fierce independence and the fact that she’s just not scared of him.  Joy’s presence in Slovetzia is due to Pochenko’s desire to change his reputation among other Western nations as a “beast”. His second-in-command, Leonid Kleist is against Pochenko’s “softening” strategy, and wants to crush the growing rebellion among Slovetzia’s youth.  Joy eventually learns that Katrina is in love with Alek, one of the leaders of the youth rebellion. Alek is captured by Pochenko, but Joy secretly helps Katrina sneak to his cell to see him.  A summit of visiting emissaries are arriving in Slovetzia to meet with Pochenko, and Joy convinces him that the best way to prove that he is a modern-thinking man would be to throw a crazy fun party. Joy is put in charge of preparations, and during this time she and Pochenko grow closer.  They are definitely crushing on one another.  On the evening of the dinner, Joy confesses that she is not an academic teacher, but by this time Pochenko does not care about her credentials, only that she has brought happiness to him and his family. Later, Leonid confronts Joy with the fact that she has been helping Katrina meet Alek. When this information is brought to Pochenko, he yells at Joy a lot, and Joy decides to leave Slovetzia for good.  Some months pass. Leonid has quietly taken over administrative duties and signing sentences in Pochenko’s name. Pochenko, made aware of this fact by Ira, confronts Leonid and strips him of his duties. Pochenko realizes that he has spent many months depressed and discontent after Joy’s leaving, and decides that it is time to change his ways.   Joy is back at home in New York City with her parents. She has also felt empty since leaving Slovetzia.  There is a knock at the door.  Who is it?  POCHENKO!  Yay!

The Beautician and the Beast